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Same Sex Marriages: A Personal
Perspective Weddings are the way two people in our society publicly proclaim their relationship to their family and friends. Very often, religious tradition frames the event and the couple seeks God's blessing. Weddings should be transformative events. We hope our wedding will be transformative not only for us, but for everyone present. It will signal to our family and friends that Colin and I are a family. Our Jewish ceremony means that even though the government doesn't recognize our relationship, an even higher authority does! Being gay or lesbian shouldn't mean that we deserve any less than straight couples. While Colin and I can't yet legally marry, nothing can stop us from having a Jewish wedding. We will stand under the chuppah in a synagogue, sign a ketuba, and exchange rings. My rabbi will officiate. And just like other couples, we will obsess over centerpieces, worry about seating arrangements, and hope the band will get everyone dancing. Our wedding is a necessary first step in building our lives together. Next year I will be ordained as a rabbi, and Colin and I want potential congregations to see us as a family. In time we hope our family will grow to include children. Our wedding says to others that we are a committed, stable household, grounded in a beautiful tradition, one worthy of raising a family. Planning a same sex wedding comes with its own unique opportunities and challenges. Miss Manners has yet to write her guide to gay and lesbian wedding etiquette (now there's an idea whose time has come) and Martha Stewart still hasn't done a story on planning the perfect gay wedding reception (maybe ours will be the first!). When it comes to things like wording the invitation or the order of the procession, Colin and I can't simply turn to a wedding planning guide, filled with lots of helpful hints and pretty pictures. The hints are usually about saving money on your veil and the pictures are usually of a bride and groom cutting the cake (we'll let the caterer cut the cake, thank you very much). Though doing so many things from scratch means more work, everything will be uniquely `us.' Since I often find God in the details, and I like to be in charge of everything, this works out just fine. It took a while to write the invitation, but with no standard formula, and with the help of a friend who is a graphic artist, it will be exactly the invitation we want. Though we have to do a lot from scratch, history is happening quickly and some things are already becoming traditions in the gay and lesbian community. Our gay and lesbian friends who have had weddings have become our on-call wedding consultants. The wording of our invitation is based on the invitation of one couple. The idea of having everyone sing together during the ceremony came from another. And creating a chuppah of pieces of fabric donated by friends and relatives is the idea of yet another couple. One of the most exciting aspects of planning this wedding is the opportunity to create a wedding where roles are not based on gender. Since there is no bride, the spotlight will shine equally on both of us. In the spirit of a traditional wedding, Colin and I will both teach some Torah to our guests before the ceremony. At the conclusion of the ceremony, we will both break a glass. And since we are two guys, no one is expecting major floral arrangements (read: more money for the honeymoon)! For our families, the most difficult part of all of this is imagining what it is going to look like. Well, sometimes Colin and I aren't very sure either. That is why we are giving ourselves almost a year to plan. This gives us plenty of time to discard bad ideas. We don't want to, one day, be showing our kids pictures of our wedding and find ourselves thinking, "Whose idea were those ruffled tuxedo shirts, anyway?" My very assimilated family will worry that it is too Jewish and that they won't know what's going on. I think Colin's mother is worried about it looking too feminine. She keeps suggesting alternatives to floral centerpieces. So far she has come up with Israeli flags (Colin and I met in Israel). When that didn't go over too well, she suggested photos of Colin and me. Those flags are starting to look better… While a wedding may not be what
every gay or lesbian couple wants, it is very much what Colin
and I want, and it is reflective of our values. Though
we enjoy pushing the envelope a bit, we are firmly rooted in
tradition. When I came out, I dreamt of one day finding
a wonderful man to share my life with. I never dreamt that I
might one day stand under the chuppah, or be legally married.
Now it looks like all of my dreams may yet come true. By
the way, if you speak to my aunt, tell her we're registered at
Crate and Barrel. |
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