Last updated May 01, 2008 Page maintained by Adrian A. Durlester www.durlester.com
Back to Main Purim Parody Page
From Laura Copel:
Temple Israel of Northern Westchester, March 17, 2003
Bubbe: “In the days of Ahashuerus, the king gave a great feast in his palace at Shushan. The royal wine was in abundance, according to the bounty of the king.”
(CONGREGATION SING - to SING A SONG OF SIXPENCE)
Sing a song of Shushan, the Persian capital
Four and twenty evenings. Banquets for all!
When the party opened, the guests began to sing
Wasn’t that the perfect way to entertain the king?
The king was in the banquet hall showing off his money
The queen was with the ladies eating bread and honey
The maid was in the garden hanging out the clothes
When out came Uncle Mordecai and grabbed her by the nose... (Huh????)
Bubbe: “Wait, wait we’re getting a head of ourselves! As I was saying, King Ahashuerus was giving a royal feast that lasted one hundred eighty days and nights to princes from all over Persia. The wine flowed and flowed...
(CONGREGATION, Ahashuerus and Vashti to OLD KING COLE)
King Ahashuerus was a merry old soul and a merry old soul was he.
He called for his pipe, and he called “More wine!”
And he called for his Queen Vashti. (“Vashti!”)
“Dance my queen, my beautiful queen, no rose compares with thee!”
He called for her crown and he called “No gown!”
All his friends called for Queen Vashti. (“Vashti!”)
Young Vashti was a clever young queen and a clever young queen was she,
She knew he was drunk. “That king is a skunk!”
“They’ll never get a glimpse of me.” (Not me!)
“That king is a clod, a drunken old sod; can’t show my body he.”
So he called her a this, and he called her a that,
And he banished Queen Vashti. And he banished Queen Vashti.
(CONGREGATION and Ahashuerus, to RAIN, RAIN GO AWAY)
Vashti, Vashti go away, You can’t be my queen today
You would not dance, you lost your chance, Vashti, Vashti go away.
Bubbe: “Now Ahashuerus had to find himself a new queen. He proclaimed throughout the land that there was a vacancy in the throne room. Maidens from all one hundred seven and twenty provinces came to Shushan to apply for the job of Queen. First, there was Sally...”
(CONGREGATION and Sally, to A-TISKET A-TASKET)
A-tisket a-tasket, I have an empty basket
I must be seen, I must be queen,
I've got to fill my basket!
Bubbe: “Then, along came Mary....”
(CONGREGATION and Mary, to “MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB”)
Mary had a little plan, little plan, little plan
Mary had a little plan, “I sure could use a man.
He’d follow me around the house, ‘round the house, ‘round the house
He’d let me rearrange his house and give me all I want!”
Bubbe: “Mary’s bad rhymes did not please the king. Next came Delilah...”
(Delilah, to “LITTLE BO PEEP”
Little Queen Vashti lost her king and I know where to find him.
Leave us alone and he’ll come home, wagging his tail behind him.
Bubbe: “Ahem, ahem... There were many, many more contenders, but finally, along came Esther, the beautiful, brave niece of Mordecai the Jew. Did you know Mordecai’s ancestors were exiled from Jerusalem to Babylonia after the temple was destroyed long ago? Emet! And I am here to tell you, in my other role as a sixth grade teacher, that Babylonia and Persia are one and the same! Now where was I? Oh yes, Mordecai told his orphan niece Esther that she had a good chance of becoming the new Queen and encouraged her to go to Shushan.”
(Esther, to “To Market”) CONGREGATION SING!
To Shushan to Shushan, to buy a fat pig, Home again home again, jiggety jig.
(Mordecai)
To Shushan, to Shushan to buy a fat pig? That’s not very kosher, you better buy figs.
Bubbe: “Mordecai helped Esther focus on why she was going to Shushan.”
CONGREGATION SING AGAIN!
To Shushan to Shushan to try out for queen
Dress simply and lovely; you’re sure to be seen
To Shushan to Shushan a rose in your hair
You’ll razzle and dazzle, no girl will compare
Bubbe: “So Esther went to Shushan and auditioned for the throne.”
(CONGREGATION help Esther sing, operatic, yet shy - SING IT TWICE!)
Hey diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle, the cow jumped over the moon
The little dog laughed to see such sport and the dish ran away with the spoon (Repeat!)
Bubbe: “The king was fascinated with her innovative poetry, modesty and exceptional operatic skills. He crowned her queen right then and there.”
(CONGREGATION and Esther, to PUSSYCAT, PUSSYCAT)
Esther dear, Esther dear, where have you been?
I’ve been to Shushan and now I am Queen.
Esther dear, Esther dear, what did you there?
I met Ahashuerus and showed off my hair!
Bubbe: “So Queen Esther is happily in the palace, keeping her Jewishness a secret. Why? Because her uncle told her to keep it a secret. That’s why. One day,
Mordecai overhears a conversation in the castle courtyard.”
(Spies and chorus, to THREE BLIND MICE) CONGREGATION SING!
Two sneaky spies, two sneaky spies
See how we lurk, see how we lurk
We’re plotting all day by the castle gate
To kill Ahashuerus, the king that we hate
We have to kill him, we’ll do it, just wait!
The king is a jerk, the king is a jerk.
Bubbe: Mordecai overhears the spies and they’re promptly arrested
CONGREGATION SING AGAIN!
Two sneaky spies, two sneaky spies
See how they run, See how they run
They tried to take Ahashuerus’s life
Mordecai stopped them, he saved the king’s life
Did you ever hear such a plot in your life
From two sneaky spies, two sneaky spies.
Bubbe: So Mordecai has saved the king’s life and Esther’s getting comfortable as queen. Ahashuerus promotes a vain man named Haman to be the second most powerful man in the country, to sit above all the princes. Ahashuerus commanded everyone to bow down low before Haman. Everybody did bow down, everybody that is, except Mordecai.
(CONGREGATION - to LONDON BRIDGE)
Everybody’s bowing down, bowing down, bowing down
Everybody’s bowing down, why won’t you?
(Mordecai)
To my God I will bow down, will bow down, will bow down
To Haman I will not bow down, because I am a Jew.
Bubbe: “The kings servants told Haman that Mordecai the Jew wouldn’t bow down to him.”
(CONGREGATION and Haman to OH DEAR WHAT CAN THE MATTER BE?)
Oh dear what can the matter be? Oh dear what can the matter be?
Oh dear what can the matter be? Why won’t he bow down to me?
That Jew Mordecai thinks his God is so mighty
That Jew Mordecai thinks he’s so high and mighty
But you know that I can be so high and mighty
He’ll wish he had bowed down to me!
Oh dear what can the matter be? Oh dear, what can the matter be?
I swear that Jew is the matter, he’ll wish he had bowed down to me!
O come brothers mine and we’ll cast out the purim
We’ll find a good date, find a date that’s bad for ‘em
We’ll find a good date, find a date with these purim
He’ll wish he had bowed down to me!
Bubbe: “The month of Adar was chosen for not only Mordecai to die, but for all the Jews to die as well. Haman went to the king and got permission to punish all the Jewish people, simply because one of them wouldn’t bow down.”
(CONGREGATION, to HICKORY DICKORY DOCK)
Hickory Dickory Dock, Mordecai’s in for a shock!
He wouldn’t bow down, he made Haman frown, Mordecai’s in for a shock!
Bubbe: “Mordecai tells Esther it’s time to reveal her identity, to save herself and her fellow Jews.”
(CONGREGATION to ‘Jack and Jill’)
Mordecai said, “Esther you must run to Ahashuerus,
The time has come to tell the king of Haman’s plan to shmear us.”
Esther cried, “Dear Mordecai, tell all the Jews to diet.
Don’t eat for days and I will pray for strength enough to try it.”
Bubbe: “Esther finds the courage to tell the king that Haman’s plan to kill all the Jews will affect not only Mordecai, who had once saved the king’s life, but also herself, his queen, his darling Queen Esther. Ahashuerus can’t believe that Esther was hiding her Jewishness from him. He asks her to prove it. She does.”
(Esther, to Cat and the Fiddle, operatic as before - CONGREGATION SING!)
I’m a yiddishe maidel, make soup with kaneodles, the best compote with prunes
I’ll make you laugh, you’ll plotz from borscht, I sing Ashkenazic tunes.
Bubbe: “Ahashuerus believes her at last and sentences Haman to die on the gallows that had been built for Mordecai.”
(CONGREGATION, WE MEAN EVERYONE, to RAIN, RAIN GO AWAY)
Haman, Haman, go away, you are gonna hang today
All the Jews just want to pray, Haman, Haman go away
Bubbe: “So, Haman was gone and Esther had saved her people! And forever since, the Jew’s have celebrated the festival of Purim by repeating this story with revelry, song, wine, and of course, with food!”
THE WHOLE CONGREGATION, ALREADY. SING!
Pat a cake, pat a cake baker’s man, Bake that hamentashen as fast as you can
Pat it and shape it with sides of three, put it in the oven for my friends and me
THE END
Written by Laura Copel and Gaye Katz
Page 1 of 5
Temple Israel of Northern Westchester, March 6, 2004
Lyrics by Laura Copel, Howard Ashman and Time Rice; Music by Alan Menken and Elton John
CONGREGATION and CHORUS -to Beauty and the Beast from Beauty and the Beast:
Tale as old as time, true as it can be
Have you read the book? Venture just a look, How hard could it be?
Set in ancient times, characters that sing
Haman and the spies, Mordecai is wise, Esther and the King
NARRATOR:
Mesdames and messieurs, yaldot v’yeladim, it is with deepest pride and greatest pleasure that we welcome you tonight.
And now we invite you to relax and pull up a pew as Temple Israel proudly presents - your Purim Shpiel!
CONGREGATION and CHORUS - to Be Our Guest from Beauty and the Beast:
Be our guest! Be our guest! Put our banquet to the test
All of Shushan's been invited by the King Ahashuerus.
Candles glow, wine will flow, for the high and for the low
Our good king said, “No restrictions!” Bring more wine in from the kitchens!
Royal song, royal dance, royal wine in abundance
And the dinner here is never second best
Come on and raise your glass, you have a week long pass to Be our guest!
King: Be my guest!
All: Be our guest!
NARRATOR:
King Ahashuerus, sovereign of all the land from Ethiopa to India, is giving a banquet for all the men of Shushan in his palace garden. Wine is overflowing to the point where judgment is severely impaired. The king sends his servants to fetch the queen in order to display her legendary beauty for all his guests. He commands the queen to appear in her royal crown, the implication being to wear little else. (Not sure who picked up that implication...) Understandably excited, Ahashuerus prepares the crowd for her arrival:
CONGREGATION and AHASHUERUS - to Prince Ali from Aladdin:
Make way for Queen Vashti! Say hey, for Queen Vashti!
Hey! Clear the way in the palace garden.
You! Let her through! It's a bright new star.
Oh, come! Be the first on your block to meet her eye.
Make way! Here she comes! Ring bells! Bang the drums!
Are you gonna love my wife!
Queen Vashti! Beautiful she! Queen of All Persia.
My head wife, she’s such a sight lovely to see.
Try your best to stay calm, brush up your Sunday Salaam
Then come and see her dance naturally for me!
Queen Vashti! Fabulous she! Queen of all Persia!
That physique! How can I speak? Weak at the knee.
Now settle down in your chair, adjust your veil and prepare
To gawk and grovel and stare at Queen Vashti
(Music Stops)
Narrator: Back at the women’s banquet, the servants relay the order for the queen to come to the garden wearing her royal crown, the implication being to wear little else. Understandably shocked,
the Queen gives her reply:
CONGREGATION AND QUEEN: No way! I’m Queen Vashti
CONGREGATION: No way! She’s Queen Vashti
CONGREGATION AND QUEEN: No! I won’t come, to the palace garden
No! I won’t dance for the royal star
Indeed! He’s a fool! How much did he drink this time?
No way! I won’t come! That pig! What a scum!
Doesn’t he know that I’m-
Queen Vashti, fabulous me, queen of all Persia
What the heck? Show some respect! Down on one knee!
Tell that lecherous king, his guests will not see a thing
Won’t gawk and grovel and stare at Queen Vashti
He's got ninety-five white Persian monkeys.
Purple peacocks, he's got fifty-three.
He's got slaves, he's got servants and flunkies.
Proud to work for him, they bow to his whim, love serving him.
They’re just lousy with loyalty, but not me! Queen Vashti!
PAUSE
CONGREGATION and AHASHURUS: Queen Vashti!
Queen Vashti! Banished is she, shoo her from Shushan
She won’t dance, she lost her chance at royalty
Her insubordination, results in condemnation
We can’t let other wives think they control
A man needs a wife who will stay in her role
So find me a maiden, an innocent maid
One who knows how to listen to me
Unlike ex-Queen Vashti
NARRATOR: A royal decree calling for available maidens was announced throughout the land. Contestants crowd the palace in hopes of becoming queen.
CONGREGATION and GIRL1 - to I Just Can’t Wait to Be King from the Lion King:
I'm gonna be a stylish queen, so other girls beware!
Have you ever seen a Persian queen with quite such perfect hair?
I'm gonna be the mane event like no queen was before
I'm brushing curls and combing knots, My perm you’ll just adore
ALL: Thus far a rather uninspiring thing
CONG and GIRL1: Oh, I just can't wait to be queen!
CONG and ALL GIRLS: No one saying do this, No one saying be there
No one saying stop that, No one saying see here ALL: Now see here!
Free to run around all day, Free to do it all my way!
CONG and GIRL 2: I’m gonna be the smartest queen, the brightest in the land
No other girl in Persia can tell fortunes like I can.
I see where the monarchy is headed, Count me in!
In the palace, in the money, Yes, I’m anxious to get in!
I’m the greatest woman anyone has seen,
Oh, I just can’t wait to be Queen
CONG and GIRL 3: I can give a manicure like no queen did before
I’m painting nails and filing tips, how ‘bout a pedicure?
I’ve the greatest fingers that you’ve ever seen
Oh I just can’t wait to be queen.
CONG and ALL GIRLS:
Everybody look left, Everybody look right
Everywhere you look I'm standing in the spotlight (ALL: Not yet!)
Let all of Shushan go for broke and sing,
Let’s shout it out you know just what I mean,
I'm the perfect match for such a perfect king.
Oh, I just can't wait to be queen! Oh, I just can't wait to be queen!
Oh, I just can't wait... To be queen!
NARRATOR: Very close to the castle in Shushan lived a certain Jew named Mordecai whose ancestors had been exiled from Jerusalem to Babylon, not far from Shushan. Mordecai was foster father to his orphaned cousin, Esther. When Mordecai heard about the contest for Queen, he brought Esther to the castle He warned her to never reveal her Jewish identity or family. So, Esther put her best foot forward:
CONG and ESTHER - to Friend Like Me from Aladdin:
Well Ali Baba has them forty thieves, Scheherazade has a thousand tales
Your majesty’s in luck 'cause Esther’s here! You got a woman here who never fails
You got some magic in your corner now, Some intelligence to play your game
I’ve got punch, pizzazz, yahoo and how! See all you gotta do is call my name, and I'll say...
King Ahashuerus, sir, What will your pleasure be?
Let me take your order, Jot it down
You ain't never seen a queen like me, No no no
Life is your restaurant And I'm your maitre'd
C'mon whisper what it is you want, You ain't never had a queen like me.
Yes sir, I pride myself on service, You're the boss, The king, the shah!
Say what you wish. It's yours! True dish, How about a little more Baklava?
Have some of column "A", Try all of column "B"
I'm in the mood to help you dude, You ain't never had a queen like me
(Esther continues)
Can your wives do this? Do your wives do that? Do your wives pull this out their little hat?
Can you wives go, poof! Well, looky here
Can your wives go, Abracadabra, let ‘er rip, And then make the sucker disappear?
So doncha sit there slack jawed, buggy eyed, I'm here to answer all your midday prayers
You got me bona fide, certified, You got a queenie for your charge d'affaires
I got a powerful urge to help you out, So what-cha wish? I really wanna know
You got a list that's three miles long, no doubt, Well, all you gotta do is sing out low
King Ahashuerus, sir, have a kiss or two or three
I want that job, you big nabob
You ain't never had a queen, never had a queen
You ain't never had a wife, never had a queen
You ain't never seen a queen like me
NARRATOR: Not only was the girl beautifully formed and lovely to behold, but she also knew how to make a good impression. The king loved Esther more than all other maidens and placed the royal crown on her head and made her queen in place of Vashti.
CONGREGATION and ALL: HOORAY!
NARRATOR: You may think this is the happy ending, but it’s just the beginning! (Oy, how much longer?) Not long after the celebratory coronation banquet, Mordecai overheard two palace guards plotting to kill the king:
GUARD1 - to Be Prepared from the Lion King: (SPOKEN, NOT SUNG)
I've had it with King Ahashuerus, His lights are not all on upstairs
Yes I’m talking kings and successions, Even you can't be caught unawares
I know it sounds sordid but you'll be rewarded, When at last I am given my due
And injustice deliciously squared, Be prepared!
GUARD2: Yeah, Be prepared. Yeah-heh... I'll be prepared, heh. ...For what?
GUARD1: For the death of the king.
GUARD2: Why? Is he sick?
GUARD1: No, fool - we're going to kill him. And Simba too.
GUARD2: (Who?!) Great idea! Who needs a king? No king! No king! la-la-la-la-laa-laa!
GUARD1: Idiot! There will be a king!
GUARD2: Hey, but you said, er...
GUARD1: I will be king! ...Stick with me and you'll never go hungry again!
GUARD2: Yaay! All right! Long live the king!
NARRATOR: Mordecai has heard everything and reports the plot to Esther. Esther tells the king who responds swiftly. The traitors are hung on the gallows and the royal scribes write about Mordecai’s loyalty in the royal diary. Not long after, the king promotes Haman, an Amelekite, higher than all the other officials. The king orders everyone to bow low to Haman. All obeyed the command except Mordecai. The king’s courtiers asked Mordecai why he would not bow. Mordecai explained that Jews don’t bow to men like Haman.
MORDECAI - to Under the Sea from The Little Mermaid:
That Haman he thinks he’s special, but he’s an Amelekite
He thinks he deserves respect, still, he’s an Amelekite
His ancestors ambushed Moses, ambushed all the Israelites
Back in the Sinai Desert, those nasty Amelekites
I won’t bow down, I won’t bow down
Haman can’t snag me, he’ll have to drag me, I won’t bow down
He’s a high prince, but I don’t care, next to God he can’t compare
His kind hates my kind, My kind hates his kind, I won’t bow down
NARRATOR: The kings courtiers reported to Haman that Mordecai wouldn’t bow to him because he’s Jewish. Haman became enraged, (understatement), and plotted to do away with Mordecai.
HAMAN (still Under the Sea):
That Mordecai thinks he’s special, but he’s made a big mistake
By not showing me respect he’ll force me his life to take
And now that I’m thinking of it, I’ll get his whole family
Yes! Now that I’m planning on it, he’ll wish he had bowed to me.
He won’t bow down, he won’t bow down
Children of Zion soon will be cryin’ ‘cause he won’t bow down
I’m a high prince but he don’t care, now he’s my mortal adversaire
Children of Zion soon will be crying, ‘cause he won’t bow down!
NARRATOR:
Haman was so angry at Mordecai the Jew, that he decided to kill all the Jews in the kingdom. For that he would need the king’s help. So, he went to Ahashuerus and sang:
HAMAN (still Under the Sea):
There is a certain people, who only obey their God
Do not tolerate these people, who do not obey your laws
I’ll pay you a lot of silver, I’ll help you destroy them all
Ten thousand talents of silver could eliminate them all
We’ll take them down, we’ll take them down
Children of Zion soon will be cryin, we’ll take them down
You are the king, but they don’t care, to the gallows send them there
Children of Zion soon will be cryin’, I’ll take them down.
NARRATOR:
Ahashuerus agrees with Haman and gives him the power to destroy the Jews. Now things look pretty dreadful. Mordecai hears of the newest decree and gets word to Esther in the palace. He tells her it’s time to reveal her Jewish heritage and use her royal position to save her people.
CONGREGATION and MORDECAI - to Kiss the Girl from The Little Mermaid:
Esther, tell him, Esther go and tell the king
Haman wants to kill the Jews, There is one way to stop him.
You’ve got to tell the king, he’ll lose his loving queen ‘cause you’re a Jewish girl.
Sha, la, la, la, la, la, me, oh, my,
We gotta stop this guy, and save the Jewish world.
Sha, la, la, la, la, la, me, oh, my,
We gotta stop this guy, and save the Jewish world..
NARRATOR: Esther’s afraid to approach the king without being summoned, but at last she finds courage. Esther fasts for three days and nights. On the final evening, she bravely walks into the throne room. Fortunately, Ahashuerus is happy to see her and ask her what she wants.
CONG and ESTHER - to Can you Feel the Love Tonight from the Lion King:
Please come to my feast tonight, we have a lot to share
A feast for three, your Majesty, Haman, and me
I care not what you wear.
NARRATOR: She not only gives one banquet for the two men, but also another one. During the second feast, the king again asks what she wants. She asked that her life be spared, because she and her people have been delivered to destruction, slaughter, and extinction.
AHASHUERUS: "Who and where is the man who has dared to do this?"
CONG and ESTHER - to Kiss the Girl from The Little Mermaid:
There you see him, sitting there across the room.
He’s plotting now to kill the Jews, and you helped him to do it
You may think he’s smart, but he has no heart; and he can’t fool this girl.
Yes, I loathe him. Look at him, you’d hate him too.
He wants to murder all the Jews, There is one way to stop him.
You’ll be a sorry king, you’ll lose your loving queen ‘cause I’m a Jewish girl.
Sing with me now..
Sha, la, la, la, la, la, me, oh, my,
You gotta stop this guy, and save your Jewish girl. (repeat)
NARRATOR: Thanks to Esther’s courage, the Jews were not killed, but Haman and his evil family were! Esther and the Jews were saved and celebrated with joyous abandon, a tradition we celebrate even today! Once again, the wine flowed with abundance because all their cares were gone:
CONGREGATION / ALL: ( to Under the Sea)
Now that we’re free, now that we’re free
Everything’s better, now we’re unfettered, ecstatic’ly
Haman is gone and we’re alive, It’s time to jam and jive
Children of Zion, it’s time for high fivin’, now that we’re free! (Repeat last two lines)
Haman is gone and we’re alive, It’s time to jam and jive
Children of Zion, it’s time for high fivin’, now that we’re free! (Repeat last two lines)
Page 1 of 6
Back to Main Purim Parody Page